I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
Dick. I'll go round and break his windows. I've been watching Sons of Anarchy on Netflix.
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
I want you to defile me in my childhood bed.
He was talking about his friends deceased ferret and I still managed to orgasm.
Now THAT is dedication!
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
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