I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
it turns out jennifers body is not good to beat off to. yeah its megan fox but when she pukes up blood = goodbye boner
it's like heaven, but drunker
I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
I need a burrito and a hug.
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
Do you think I shall pursue this journey to the center if the dick?
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
my goldfish that i got the day i lost my virginity just died. im terrified as to what this symbolically means for my sex life
So Blakes coming home... so if youre like fingerbanging the shit out of yourself on the kitchen table...wrap it up
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
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