I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
WE WERE REALLY IN A PORNO LAST NIGHT
Also, I'd like to add that that I'm not quitting my job, my boss fed me shots at 11 am this morning.
Idk. I was speaking metaphorically. Go for it. As one of your bad decisions, I feel confident in saying you've done worse.
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
Well I had to use a seat cushion at Soul Cycle today so, yeah, I'd say the sex was good
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
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