Old men and throwing up are my life now.
So is chris hansen cool in person? Or is it just awkward while you wait for the cops?
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
Thru out the entire phone conversation I went from thinking: he's making a gay come-on, to he's trying to sell me drugs, before realizing he was offering me a job with an internet company. Things are gonna be awkward in class this week.
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
Human Centipede: The Drinking Game. This is non-negotiable. First one to pass out the rest of us get to FEEEEED THEM!
she has like 12 pairs of underwear people left at her house from the other night
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
I don't think it counts as a booty call at 6:30 pm.
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
Randomize
