So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
it hurts more in the daytime
last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
I'm missing some hair, but it's cool. Breadsticks are done.
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
Dude, what the hell where you thinking last night
Welllllll basically they were like "challenge" and I was like "accepted"
Randomize
