Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
A chick at the bar last night took my black berry, looked at my Brick Breaker score and told me she couldnt take someone that has a lower score than her seriously.
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
That shot was terrible
You were like one of those guys at carnivals that spit out fire..... Except it was throw up
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
This is Ryan, Kristin's husband. I don't know if you meant to send that pic to me at 3am. You may want to call Kristin. Neat piercing though.
I didn't really understand how big 10 inches is. Now I know.
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