That poor girl was naked and had to be at a job interview in an hour
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
So I think his penis grew over the weekend. Is that possible or does absence make the dick grow longer?
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
Ja rule starts his prison sentence today #3475th reason we should drink tonight
So he was supposed to be helping me with my math but instead we ended up drinking coconut rum in his basement and having sex. I think my mom was right, getting a tutor will be good for me. Relieves the stress.
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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