I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
All four of us managed to throw up in the same bathroom at different times during the night. I think we'll get along great living together.
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
At least his std test came back clean, gotta look at the positives here
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
Randomize
