yo I wanna see you, bring that beard of yours
I need a slap back to reality. Or at least a slap back to homosexuality
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
I'd be surprised if he had a problem with boundaries after helicoptering his penis in front of you
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
You got naked in his car? Or the koala suit was in his car? One of those sounds a lot less slutty than the other......
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
all I remember is them saying he had a big dick and the next thing I know I’m leaving with him
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