Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
Got home. Hugged Mom. The look on her face indicated she noticed nipple rings.
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
Can we just talk about how the only thing I have on my camera from this weekend is a video of you putting your whole fist in your mouth hahahha
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
Dude whoeverrs house this is has only creeam cheese and beer in the fridge. Thats my kinda diet
Randomize
