apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
the boy next to me on the plane handed me a shot glass, then a perkaset, and told me to have a good week off..hellllo spring break.
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
I dont know what we smoked last night but I woke up and found out I started writing a book called White Trash Princess. Its the best thing Ive ever read
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
I said that I'm avoiding parties and guys, and the freshman girl just laughed
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
Hey babe! Random question. Do you by chance have the pic of my nipples covered with ninja turtles band aids? Thanks.
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
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