I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
I've done 29 out of the 30 things to do to a naked man according to Cosmo. I don't know if that makes me innovative or slutty.
Genius.
I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
animal crackers drenched in taco bell mild sauce... surprisingly delightful
breakfast of champions
breakfast of stoners
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
I've decided I will have no shame for the things I don't remember doing.
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
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