What did we do last night that was yellow?
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
Got a personal ride from safe ride. I was crying so hard. The driver said think of something happy and I said Disney. In which I sang him Aladdin. So I got home ok
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
Randomize
