I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
come downstairs quick. our boyfriends are having a dance off in nothing but their underwear and shoes. and they have semis too.
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy
So I wore my ankle step-counter exercise thingy while I rode him. Don't fuck him- I only burned .2 pounds.
Randomize
