What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
Hands down the best time I've ever had barfing.
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
Awareness is good for change and all, but ignorance is bliss. I like bliss.
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
somehow a ride to walgreens turned into a threesome.
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
Why is everyone giving me a hard time for drinking?!
Your in the library.
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
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