Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
I woke up, not remembering how or when or why i was even there and looked over to find Steph spooning with an adult black man.
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
I FOUND A VIBRATOR IN MY BABY BROTHERS ROOM. IM FREAKIN OUT MAN ITS BIGGER THEN MINE
put it back and chill out ok
NO FUCK HES 15 WHO EVEN SOLD HIM THAT HES A BABY
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
