She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
Their house warming gift for us was a half case of keystone and getting the cops called..
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
got fuckng wasted at spring training, got a lap dance at le girls, got a burrito at filibertos, and still made it to my 5 o'clock eco class wearing a bikini top....I love Arizona State University
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
well he never texted me back and the pizza I took my rage out didn't deserve such malice
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
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