I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
While she was pissing on the neighbors shrubs, they threatened to call the cops...she mumbled 'don't threaten me with a good time", so to answer your question, yes she was drunk.
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
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