My sheets look like a crime scene.
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
oh yeah I know that guy. he's legit. slept in my closet a few times
Very nice. It looks like a Fisher-Price My First Dildo, but still very nice.
She just referred to her vagina as "this bitch".
Ya I painted "STOP TRYING ANAL" on her headboard. I'm sick of listening to her whine through the wall and bitch the next day.
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
I am sure I don't wanna know but I have to ask... Why is there a kiddie pool full of jello in the living room?
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
was i wearing any clothes at that point?
socks and a thong
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
Randomize
