i wish my penis had a tongue
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
I just used my thong as a hair tie. I think I reached my limit.
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
I woke up naked with a $20 bill taped to my titty, so I must of had fun.
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
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