feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
We need to feng shui this bitch.
the sex is SO much better when he thinks im going insane
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
Randomize
