i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
Also there's a dick sized hole in my tights...should I be worried?
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
Hahahahahahhajahahahahajajjajahjahahajahahajajahahahajjajajahahjajajajajahahahajjjajajaahhahhahahahahahahahaha dominos taxi
Please do us both a favor and come rip my clothes off.
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
What's the address and code again...does anyone need anything and why is my viking helmet on the bed?
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
Take the weirdness of Japan and add the insanity of Florida and that's Jimmy
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
just played fuck the dealer and thunderstruck with my physics ta. he is the third ta that i have drank with this semester, i think i'm getting good at college
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Randomize
