y did u give ur computer a hand job?
Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
if i wake u up at 5am tmrw by coming into ur room wearing nothing but my indiana jones hat and purple socks while singing 'courtesy of the red white + blue' will u be pleased or annoyed
keep in mind this isn't open to negotiation, i'm just trying to gauge ur reaction
FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
after watching ten minutes of "the decision," I conclude that King Lebron has more influence on America than Barak Obama. I love our countries values.
On my way back to his place to see his "art". Why am I sure this is going to be nothing more than his dick in a box?
I'm lying on the floor in the back room praying my boss doesn't come to work today.never again
The last thing I remember was doing a line in the shape of Texas
I'm just gonna wear a long dress with no panties today. My pussy needs a break.
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
Or I could hide in your trunk so you can sneak out of putt putt for sex breaks
No one understands the complete and utter debilitating 3 day bday bender.
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
What's your opinion on eating ass? Just looking for a yes or no