Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
remember what we learned. dont lure girls w/ food at the bar. u dont want those ones
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
he's from indiana, of course he's clueless about "g-spots"
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
Their engagement party consisted of them doing shots, yelling at each other, leaving for 30 minutes, and coming back with smiles.
I'd say they're off to a great start!
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
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