I'd wear matching sweaters with you
He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
do you know how much drugs we can buy now that you got that raise at work
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
Im at a south american orphan benefit auction drinking stoli in a coffee mug, this is what my life has become, thanks a lot community college
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
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