Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
I dont know about you but I'm not getting out of bed this summer for anything but food or sex
Yeah thats cool. We can play the alphabet game while doing bumps of coke in the back of his volswagon
Make way for the handjob queen! She will grab what she wants, when she wants, and from whomever she wants.
I just rolled over in bed and felt a bump. Turns out it was a lil nug. Talk about being princess and the weed.
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
you're hired as official boob wrangler
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
Randomize
