I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
He wanted me to blow him while he was playing guitar hero. there will not be a second date
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
Talked to Nate, told him he was a douche. Will give details when sober. It's ok. You're my best friend together a wolf pack. Olive juice.
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
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