How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
but you don't have to sleep on top of four different cum stains because you'd rather buy a case of Franzia than spend $3.50 in the student laundry room
Oh btw I took the eighth out of the plastic wrap so I could use it to wrap my red pepper. This can be seen as either pathetic or resourceful.
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He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
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Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
He put rainforest music on before we had sex I felt like I was in the Amazon
THIS IS SO HOT. BYE PANTIES.
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.