It's a beautiful day for a hangover
I figured he was gay when I walked in on him working out to Flirty Girl Fitness.
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
dude, you were feeling up her boob for 20 minutes in front of the guy she was hitting on because you and her had an argument over who had bigger boobs.
hey man, it was for science okay.
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
Apparently the Massachusetts Bay Transit Authority severely looks down on Chinese firedrills on a public bus
Yeah but the people love.
All i remember is you yelling at a stop sign and the rest is a blur
So wise, so handsome, so good at oral sex.
Is it wrong that I want to do a nude photo shoot with nothing but a light saber?
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
I can see the future and your future is full of penis
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
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