Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
You are under a naked attack watch for the whole weekend. Shelter in place.
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
I think the biggest problem with being overhigh is when the kitchen was on fire and I was pointing and laughing and eating rootbeer oreos like it was fucking Ozzfest 2000
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
You laid on the floor and pet their rug. and then demanded Voss water.
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