I miss having pregnancy scares ....at least i knew i was having a good time
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
She hadn't heard about the oil spill. She gave dumb blondes a whole new standard to aim for. I did her anyway...but that isn't the point.
i think there mostly mad about the fact it was 6 pm not the fact i blew a .255
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
True freedom is running around a sex club in former power plant in Berlin wearing a boots, a jock
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
We need to know if his feet match his cock.
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
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