I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
You know you're hung over when your pose in art class is lying face down on the platform
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
The nursing school interview showed me a picture of my passed out during your party. They asked if this was a frquent thing. I told them you drugged me.
It's like a party bus, but there's a glass, airtight wall separating the driver from the passengers, and once everyone's on, they pump vaporized THC into the cabin.
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
She found the planted magnum condom..once she figured it out it was too late.
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Randomize
