I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
Just topless shotgunned a bud light alone. I am about to peer mentor the shit out of these freshmen.
and then he publicly announced her herpes on facebook.
There is nothing like getting stoned and spying on people with binoculars
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
I think he's like Cher he's going to live forever but not as scary looking
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
Heading there now. Already have a boner.
Randomize
