you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
The duggars are the reason premarital sex is ok. Because if you don't have it until marriage you have no self control when it happens. And 19 kids.
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
Once again there IS no outside bathroom. Never has been, that is the balcony
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
He tripped and fell all the way to the ground and then stood right back with out spilling a drop of his 3/4 full glass of rum and coke. It was like watching something from the matrix
One of these days I would like to go out drinking and stick to plan of just getting drunk and not be sidetracked with other people's plans of doing drugs along the way. I didn't even want to not feel my teeth tonight but here we go just another Thursday night when you live I live
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