He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
You guys were grinding to YMCA. I knew you were going to hook up with him.
Just found out its our ciliated mucous membrane that traps the molly when we snort it. Biology does relate to life
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
I just pulled the nickels from earlier out of my bra in class. The guy next to me is either terrified or intrigued.
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
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