lol whn u cming hre I nd 2 c ur fce
IF YOU TEXT ME ONE MORE SHORTENED VERSION OF A WORD, THE ONLY THING YOU'LL SEE IS MY FIST IN YOUR FACE.
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
seriously when did my vagina become a soup kitchen for the poor
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
finals do horrible things to a person. i haven't worn pants since friday
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