i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
oh yeah I know that guy. he's legit. slept in my closet a few times
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
He woke me up for a 10am bootycall. he was already drunk when he got here and when we were fucking, bagpipes started playing amazing grace outside of my window!! I love Boston on st. Patties day!!
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
If those antibiotics mean you can't drink, ya might as well pack your bags and re-enroll next fall, because sobriety this week would be social suicide.
We don't really communicate like that.
Communicate like what?
Communicate like people who want to see each other when their genitals are inside their pants.
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
Family trip though. I generally don't wheel too much ass with the fam in tow. Despite the fact my parents would be pleased if I did.
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
If he flies out here I will sleep with him. I have morals, but not when it comes to southern accents
Randomize
