i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
in that moment our bushes were one. and in that moment we were pure.
He fucked me in his tour van, I feel like an official groupie.... Except I don't even listen to his band.
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
I’m not closing myself off the to the possibility of making a bad life choice.
so is it socially acceptable to send her an "i got my man back you whore" card?
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
I plan on getting so intoxicated, that I think it's MY own birthday
Can I play this game?
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
Randomize
