dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
he doesnt exactly give off the "im mature enough to use my penis" vibe
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
I felt that there wouldn't be enough planB and forgiveness to go around
Serious question: when you had my right nipple in your mouth, did my nipple ring have both of the balls on it, or was it missing one. Current situation: missing one.
Good morning love! Friendly reminder that we decided to make leggings with a vagina zipper. "For the winter quickie"
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
I am thinking about buying a decorative chest for all our sex stuff....
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
