I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
Is it bad that when I see babies I feel bad for them because its going to be forever until they are 21?
threw up in my backpack again. Asian guy I cheat from wasn't pleased.
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
I wouldn't call that a crush. It was more of a minor brain aneurism.
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
Randomize
