I definitely just put my boxers on backwards.
haha now u have to piss out ur bum
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
my hot student got the clitoris wrong on the lab practical...so it kinda makes me not want to pursue it
just because he can't find it on a cat, doesn't mean he can't find it on you
I started the year with 2,800 dollars and am now down to 83 dollars-one of which i use to snort my focalin. I have given up on food and am perplexed as to how I can make 82 dollars last more than two weekends for booze
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
Also, do you think you think his dick is perfect bc you loved him? Or is it actually perfect?
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
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