when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
So drunk. Washed my hair un pancheros sink cus I was so hot.
Its only.eleven and we are already chasing a man on a bike with a bag full of burger king
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
The only thing I know is that these arent my shoes and Aaron is missing and he has my house keys.
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
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