I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
He might not have any marketable talents, but the kid dry humps like no other.
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Randomize
