I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
DO NOT EAT ONE OF DONOVANS WEED RICE CRISPIES. I REPEAT DO NOT EAT IF YOU VALUE YOUR EYE BALLS
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
No. Cease was criminally insane from birthday shots, and not a lot of women want to go home from the bar with a guy who wants to "snuggle but keep it strictly professional".
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
Then my perve supervisor asked about your vagina. And I was like nunya, but its glorious
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
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