At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
it appears as though my vagina has gotten the best of me again
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
I don't understand how these people can do extreme gymnastics and I have problems walking up the stairs.
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
Boobs have been pretty central in my life somehow lately which makes me question if I am truly gay
I climaxed at the same time the bass dropped. I think it's safe to say I've reached enlightenment
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
Would you say that skipping class and sitting alone in my room singing One Direction to myself and sobbing is an acceptable way to deal with the break-up
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
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