I molested 6 butterflies tonight
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
Randomize
