when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
you're kinda like the weird girl from The Breakfast Club after the makeover. i mean you're pretty, but you're still weird as fuck
Drawing dicks in the frost on people's windshields is a rare joy I allow myself while walking to my 8 AM class.
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
and he's drinking a bud lime in his profile pic meaning i can out drink him, meaning i would clearly be the alpha in our relationship
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
Booty called 3 guys from my hospital bed
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
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