Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
i wish peter jackson would direct porn
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
I thought it was a myth but I have just reached the age of sitting on my balls. Not a fan.
I think we should take up crocheing or stamp collecting....something completely lacking penises
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
is there a line between daddy kink and oedipus complex?
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
Well it was okay until he pinned my arms over my head and I found the loaded pistol tucked behind the bed... THIS IS WHY WE DON'T FUCK BOYS IN MONTANA ANYMORE
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