I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
Im currently watching two girls making out. In the library. Hope your studying is going as good as mine is. Haha
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
somehow a ride to walgreens turned into a threesome.
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
Randomize
