so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
Come 10 years my vagina won't look like this. I must cherish it
DID YOU JUST COME OUT THROUGH A FACEBOOK COMMENT??
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
no one could get around him on the stairs cause he surrounded himself with all the empties he could find, he said he was building a fort. then he passed out on them.
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
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