dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
chasing shots of tequilla with sun chips. its doable but not recommended
I can handle NPR. I speak hippie. I took it in college.
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
Things I can say. There is a photo of me pouring whipped cream into a midgets mouth.
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
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