Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
she has a fucking refrigerator full of four loko and is charging 15 dollars a can.... she is like a mini donald trump
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
Post walk of shame: realized the underwear I put on when I left was another girl's underwear.... woof
We fucked on a kid's slide, my vagina is singing praises of being used
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
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