I couldnt find her vag and just started laughing uncontrollably. She was not pleased. Neither was i.
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
Happy 420. I woke up to a girl smoking weed and dragging me out of bed. Chemistry makes so much sense high.
yeah im watching him make his speech now. cant take him seriously tho. hes talking about funding for education and all i can think about is how ive seen what he looks like wearing womens underwear...
it will be just like last year but no clogged toilets and more costumes.
Just whatever you do, don't neglect the balls.
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
just passed a kid drinking a beer at 2pm. clearly it's the last day of break.
Randomize
