You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
Hes pre-made beer lollipops so he "can suck before the sex" QUOTE!
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
Randomize
