You just made me feel so damn special
So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
and this is why we should make december sharting awareness month.
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
Just gave some kid head in the library. Perfect way to end the semester.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
I could be busy drinking my face off and getting red white and bruised per usual
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
no, you don't understand how much people deal here. All I had to say was "hey lets buy a bag" and he pulled over instantly, then the randoms in the car behind us pulled over and sold us a bag.
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
Randomize
