she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
Well I'm glad to hear the fight wasnt over his small dick.
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
I have a tab of a google image search of onion rings open and it is making me so happy.
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
Randomize
