She said I was really immature but whatever...oh by the way we just bought a toilet and turned it into a beer bong so come over
I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
I would seriously fuck her so hard, her contacts would pop out of her eyes.
We invented this drinking game where you pick and random video and drink for every misspelled word in the youtube comments. It did not end well.
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
Serious question, on a scale of go for it to what the fuck are you thinking, what's me going to a monk or any religious official and saying "baptize me daddy" in a serious voice?
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
Randomize
