she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
I will now send you explicit pics of mine and her genetalia bound together forever in the devils dance that is sexting.
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
I saw the president of my women in business club at the bar last night...I was gonna thank her for teaching me the business skills to create my own fake to get in... then i decided not
if i drink i'll go into liver failure but ok
totally worth it, dude its $1 pbr
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
Randomize
