Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
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If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
Ok... I'm a little jealous... Grab her pig tails and ride her like a jet ski. Making motor noises is optional.
And before you get all mad cause I said "nipples," I actually discarded "you are so wet right now" and "you have such a raging clit-on right now."
That's called being sensitive.
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I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
I just ate powdered extacy out of my wallet. I think I might have for a second of my reasonable life been on your level.
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
Having sex with him is like eating mayo. Don't think about it, just do it. It's worth it.
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
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