I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
amateur piercings on our way to the beach? check.
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
Disgusting. If I saw her naked my dick would pack up his balls and leave.
Oh well shit happens. This is my not worried face. This is also my still decently drunk face.
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
I would fuck him In a heartbeat, an obese child running up stairs with an irregular heartbeat, heartbeat.
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
He's wearing my bra and eating a breadstick while jumping on our bed.....
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
she's my really slutty friend i bring around so i can act slutty and not feel as bad about it
Randomize
