I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
you lied. pity sex is amazing.
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
he just asked if we wanted to go to an arts and crats club with him tomorrow. every day it becomes harder for me to defend his sexuality
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
I just want to jump into a ballpool of dicks now.
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
My new superpower is making fuckboys disappear!
Bending dicks and egos since 2002
His idea of hot sex is sticking his finger in my dark star while doing me Missionary style. You can tell he's from the Bible Belt.
Does he smell like BBQ?
Inside and out.
Randomize
