I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
When you wake up on the bus on 139th but you're staying at 6th
133 to go
Don't do it. He's got a dick the size of a baseball bat. You don't want that commitment.
I have to. For the sake of science.
Randomize
