yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
She made me role-play everything from an older prof to a in-patient in need of a medical exam. Yay for cocaine.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
I think mounting someone proves who's house this is
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
It kind if looked like a strap-on dressed up for Halloween.
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
It's okay. I think we're back on. I just went on a dog walk with him n blew him on a sidewalk
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
Randomize
