She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
We did nothing beneficial to ourselves, or our country last night.
No that means he must've used the nipple clamps
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
I blew him while he was standing up and he drooled on my head
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
i puked in the 2nd best shower and the couple fucking in the 1st didnt even pause so you might wanna hold off on that for a while
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
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