you told everyone your name was brenda and you had the whole party chanting b-dawgg by the end of the night. successful.
names aren't important. just tell him all you want is a lil make out sesh and keep it moving.
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
We're trying to leave but amy's hitting on the guy who mans the nacho cart
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
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